Matters of the Heart: An Unnatural Leader

I'm so proud to bring you this post from my husband, Matthew. He is such an awesome husband, father, manager, and leader. I hope y'all enjoy his offering.

"... in my weaker moments I fall into the belief that I am a total fraud who will eventually be found out."

I'm a leader. I still feel a bit funny when I say that.

For some time now I've been on a journey toward leadership. Which is funny because I used to be the type of person that never wanted that kind of thing. The issue, for me, is that I am naturally wired to be deferential and reluctant about being a decision maker. I've even dragged my feet in making decisions that would only impact myself.

What's changed? Well, several years ago I got an inkling that God wanted to make a leader out of me. I saw that I'd been given a natural ability to see the big picture and that I have a good way with people. On top of that, I was raised to champion the underdog and heard a lot about power being abused and corrupting people. Therefore, I had deeply pondered the impact of a leader on those in their charge. A close friend once encouraged me that I might make a good leader because the best leaders are those that take their responsibility seriously and never make decisions lightly. For some reason that thought has always stuck with me and remains foundational to how I approach leadership.

In marriage, I've learned that constant democracy is unnecessarily burdensome and impractical. Not that I have to be the leader all of the time, but someone usually does. For the first time, in this context, I realized that always being deferential could be annoying and even selfish. If making decisions and being responsible for their outcome can be stressful, which of course I know it can be, then always consulting someone or deferring to them can be a refusal to accept the burden that, by all rights, belongs to you.

Here's an example. In our marriage, Nanette and I have naturally settled into being responsible for managing different parts of the household. It ended up making sense for me to be responsible for our finances. In time I learned that Nanette was impacted emotionally by the state of our finances and that if there were problems they caused her anxiety. It took me awhile, but I figured out that I could serve her by leaving her out of certain decisions and some of the more difficult financial realities (I anticipate questions about this later 😉). I'm not talking about hiding things from her. If she asks or wants to know, I will gladly share the specs. There are just things that I can handle on my own and it's a service to her for me to shoulder them.

When I became a father I ventured even deeper down the rabbit hole of leadership and authority. I had to step up in a major way and be the boss to kids that very much needed one. Of course they don't believe that they need boundaries, but I've seen first hand how they thrive and experience safety in the context of a loving leader.

I've developed a brand new perspective on the need for leadership, in my own life and in general, and I've gradually progressed toward heavier and heavier responsibilities. Given my natural disposition, this progression has brought with it many anxieties, fears, and feelings of inadequacy.

While I've had many opportunities to grow in the area of leadership, to date, the pinnacle of my progress has been my current job. I am the director of engineering at a sizable luxury resort. Previously, I had only worked at middle-of-the-road hotels and had minimal responsibility. Believe it or not, when I found this position I went to great lengths to obtain it. My faith in God's plan made me certain that it was the right move to make no matter how scary it was.

I never could have imagined the avalanche of responsibility that was about to fall on my shoulders. Before I knew it I had 9 people under my charge, a 100 million dollar property to care for, and a plethora of obstacles in my way. Most of the people I work with have far more experience in this industry than I do. Even my staff knows more than I do about many aspects of construction and the trades. I have to admit that in my weaker moments I fall into the belief that I am a total fraud who will eventually be found out.

There were many nights that I came home exhausted, defeated, and ready to throw in the towel. I had periods of depression in which I could not get my head above the deep and heavy waters of my responsibilities. I learned the true reality of being a leader. To cope I tried to escape by looking for other jobs, other places to live, other anything. I complained! God forgive me, I complained. I worried, lost sleep, and worked more hours than I should have in false hopes of figuring it all out and lightening my load.

Nonetheless, I have had moments of strength too. When I come to my senses I realize that I'm actually good at managing, communicating, and owning my own shortcomings. I can learn fast and, for the most part, I can roll with the punches. My staff respects me and have always gladly offered their knowledge to the department's benefit. More than that, I believe that I truly have nothing that is worth fearing. In the worst case scenario I am still with God and I know that I've followed His leadership. Even if I make a miserable mess of things and get fired I will be in His hands, and that's a great place for me to be.

In the midst of this process towards leadership I've learned that having authority is a very good thing. After all, a good person with authority can do more good for more people. I have fought to get more staff, better tools, better pay, and more respect for my department. I am proud of that. Also drawing on that belief, I've been able to deal with some of the more difficult aspects of leadership, like wrestling with my staff for more efficiency and better usage of resources. All in all, I've built something that works and I've done it in a way that honors people and the business. The emotional pain I've endured has made me into something new that I never thought I would be and opened up more opportunities for me to walk out, what I think to be, the most important aspects of being a leader.

More posts in this series:

Living with Emotional Pain

Love and Basketball

Empty Nesting
Waiting in the Pain