Lessons in Kindness

We're working on kindness in our household. It's a long haul kinda process. I've got a lot of hopes for my kids in this arena. I really want them to know the difference between being nice/polite/respectful and being kind, which carries with it a connotation of love. I want them to understand that kindness involves loving others, feeling empathy, being compassionate, sharing out of the goodness of their hearts versus sharing because they're supposed to. They can be nice with their minds and their wills (like following a rule), but kindness comes from their hearts. It's something that you are, more than something that you do. We're trying to model and explain that difference and how we should always be nice (a rule) while aspiring to, and working towards, being kind (formation of true internal character). Boy, am I lacking in this department. Talk about teaching out of a deficit.

We totally want to raise little gentlemen that say, "please" and "thank you," share their toys with others, and include new kids in their play. But we are also trying to teach and model what these things look like when they come from the heart, i.e., kindness - actually caring, forgiving someone even when they don't deserve it, self sacrifice, not judging others because they're different. You can't do those things with niceness. Niceness is just surface control, but kindness comes from, and exercises, love.

So, how do you teach your kid how to love other people? It's quite the challenge. I'll let ya know if I ever get it all figured out. Until they reach a certain age, kids aren't even capable of understanding that other people have thoughts and feelings of their own. Not until they reach that milestone will they be able to consider another person and their well-being.

Our current focus is to flood our kids with love in the context of structure, boundaries, and discipline. We think they'll have a better chance of learning how to give that kind of love to others and will, probably (hopefully), naturally want to give it. An overflowing cup, if you will.

Pointing our kids to Jesus is another way we're trying to teach our little ones to be kind. The way Jesus was with people when He was here on earth is a great example of kindness versus niceness - the things He did, the things He said, the way He treated people, His ultimate sacrifice. When you read the accounts of His life in the gospels you can almost see the kindness in His eyes. He wasn't always nice (remember the money changers?), but He was, most certainly, always kind. Of course, we're talking about Love, Himself, here.

Big job, right? You're telling me. Time will tell if we've gotten the point across to our little cherubs, and if we see the fruit of our labor - both in their hearts and in our own.

Along with teaching, talking, and modeling, we pray. We pray for their hearts and minds in a world that has seemingly given up on both kindness and niceness. Amidst the ugliness, I pray that my children can see people the way that God sees them - as creatures that He perfectly formed, deeply loves with the greatest of all loves, and intensely desires to be close to and to call his very own sons and daughters. I want to see people that way too.

Chore Chart

I recently put together a formal chore chart for the boys. For the past year they've been cleaning up their own room and picking up the living room floor every evening, but I thought it was time to up the ante.


We started the boys off with simple chores like wiping down counter tops. The boys put a checkmark on their chart after morning chores, and another after evening chores. We're providing an incentive at the end of each week to help the training process move smoothly (interpretation: without kicking and screaming). At the end of the week they get to pick out a toy and a snack at the dollar store if they've done all their chores. Sometimes we offer them the choice of getting frozen yogurt with Dad instead. Their reward is the incentive, but that they get to choose their reward for themselves is also an important part of our training process.

Mateo working on his morning chores.

Matthew and I have always planned on increasing their freedom alongside their responsibility as the kids grow older. One of our parenting goals is to help our kids gradually and naturally walk into adulthood by increasing their responsibility and their freedom as their maturity increases. We don't want them to continue to live like adolescents when they leave the nest. We also don't want them to wake up one day and be expected to live like adults without guiding them through that process. That's setting them up for failure. Before they're out of the house we want them to know how to do things like clean a house, do the laundry, cook a meal, balance a checkbook, fill out an application, check their car oil, yelp a good mechanic, etc. But we also want them to be confident decision makers. We want them to enjoy making fun decisions and to know that they have what it takes to make the tough ones.

We want our kids to take pride in getting older, taking on more responsibility, and moving closer to being a grown up. We want them to look forward to the freedom, independence, responsibility, authority, and influence that adulthood brings. I read a great Washington Post article by Judy Mollen Walters about how many children and teenagers are not looking forward to adulthood. Instead they think that being an adult is too hard and not something to look forward to, much less work towards. We want our kids to have a positive outlook on growing up instead of being afraid of it. We want them to embrace it instead of putting it off. Their chore chart is just one small step in their process.

As the boys' responsibilities increase the ante goes up for Matthew and I as well. One of the things that's challenging for us is the additional oversight that it takes to get the chores done right or to even get them done at all. The boys are ages 7 and 5 right now. They have a long way to go before they can do their jobs as well as Mommy and Daddy, especially without our reminding them. It also takes more oversight to lead them in the freedom and decision making process that will gradually increase as they grow. We've got a big job to do. Maybe Matthew and I should make ourselves a chart. Hee, hee.