Matters of the Heart: Waiting in the Pain

Why can’t I just fix things? Why won’t my loneliness go away? Sometimes my loneliness feels so massive that it threatens to envelop me.

I was in a vortex the week between Christmas and New Year’s, with contributing factors including family drama, singleness, cancelled plans, and crazy hormones. In retrospect, these are considerable issues, but I never realize how much they impact me until I am sobbing with my friend about how much my life sucks (purely a hypothetical situation, of course).

Here’s what you need to know about me. I am single and moving towards the back half of my thirties. While I would love to be married, I enjoy living as fully as I can within my circumstances. I’m fine to go to movies on my own and generally try to not let my lack of a spouse stop me. I am coming out of a time of confusion over work, church, and my vocation. This experience has led me to seek and pray about every part of my life. It has led to some fun changes too, such as pursuing improv comedy. However, some areas of my life feel very much in process. I’m still figuring it out. (Note: I will never figure it all out on this side of life).

Matters of the Heart: Empty Nesting

Becoming an empty nester can be both an exciting and difficult life transition for many. I know for myself, I have moments of dreaming what it will be like when my kids are grown and out of the house and all my time and energy are my own. But, really, I can't even begin to imagine what an empty nest will look and feel like for me in the years to come. My friend and fellow blogger, Dottie Pickett, was willing to sit down with me (in the virtual setting of our blogging worlds, that is) and share some of her story and experience. Here's a bit of our conversation.

What was your experience of being a mom when the girls were in the house?

The minute you conceive you become a mom, which means I have been a mom for over 25 years.

I was in heaven being a mom from day one. My mom and I weren't close, so I'm told that I had an extra need to bond with my girls. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I only worked a couple of days a week, so I had lots and lots of time to nurture them, play with them, watch them participate in sports and musicals, and even get involved with their school projects, like being in charge of costumes for their school plays.

One of our favorite things was to do crafts together. For instance, one entire summer we made elaborate masquerade masks for Carly's 16th birthday! So fun!

What has the process of becoming an empty nester been like for you, what are some of the struggles you face, and what's been helpful to you during this transition?

When it began to hit me that my youngest was going off to college I went into a severe depression. I know that not everyone will have the same experience. I have learned that there is a major chemical component with me that others don’t have. With my depression there was a perfect storm: emotional enmeshment and empty nesting, biological/chemical issues and hormonal changes. Thankfully, I’m in a much better place now. Various things have been helpful in pulling me out of depression.

In order to lift yourself out of depression you have to address it from all angles. I began working out consistently, I got a lot of prayer and I prayed a lot, I started in-depth therapy, I got on antidepressants, I started volunteering at a fun organization, I made sure to plan quality time with my wonderful husband and good friends, and I started gardening and cooking more. Interestingly enough, starting my blog, Pickett’s Pearls, was the thing that has helped me the most. I have a strong need to be creative, and when the girls left I didn’t see how I was going to fulfill that part of me. My blog meets so many other needs, giving me something that is all my own and not connected with my girls.

Does your experience differ from your husband's? If so, how? If not, what is it like being empty nesters together? 

It has been hard on my husband as well because he and the girls are very close, but not nearly as hard as it has been on me. He has been unbelievably loving through this whole excruciating time. I really don’t know what I would have done without him.

Being empty nesters has been good for our marriage. We are looking more to each other to have our needs met. For example, I have really gotten into watching football and basketball with him. Of course he loves that! We've also really been enjoying getting into cooking.

What are you most proud of in what you have done to raise your daughters?

Our daughters are both very kind and empathic people. They also have a desire to get closer to Christ.

What are you most proud of in what you are doing now? 

Surprise, surprise! Pickett’s Pearls. Pickett’s Pearls is mostly four ingredient recipes and creative or helpful tips for the home. I don’t know where it will go, but I’m okay with that. I feel like I was made for this and I enjoy every part of it: the planning, the writing with humor and lightness, the photography (my photos are worlds away from where they were), the problem solving needed for things like how to make a delectable lemon rum cake with only four ingredients or how to keep your sponges from smelling icky. I also love to make beautiful things: wreaths, napkin folds, and jewelry. And I really love encouraging others to create beautiful things.

Tell me something about being an empty nester that you didn't expect or that someone who hasn't gone through this process might not know.

Very few parents have the extreme struggle that I have had, but almost every empty nester has a hard time. My advice would be to find “life giving” endeavors way before it’s time for your children to leave the nest. Whether it’s finding a job you really like or taking up painting or going back to school - something that you can immerse yourself in, something involving others, and something fulfilling.

Children bring so much life and energy into the home. They not only physically have more energy, thereby adding energy to any environment, but they also have their whole lives in front of them which usually comes with lots of plans, hopes, and dreams. Also, because they don’t have as many responsibilities as adults do they are almost always more playful and light. As empty nesters we need to create our own energy by planning fun activities with our spouse and/or friends, making sure we are always learning something new, and being involved in things we are excited about.

Dottie is a married momma of two beautiful women (Carly, 24, fine artist, and Abbey, 21, Film major at USC). She's also a licensed Marriage and Family therapist and a fellow blogger over at www.pickettspearls.net.

More posts in this series:

Living with Emotional Pain

Love and Basketball

Waiting in the Pain
An Unnatural Leader

Advent Drawing Journal

This year the boys and I are drawing our way through Advent. My guys LOVE to draw and I wanted to really engage them as we prepare our hearts for Christmas as a family. So, I put together a simple printable book to take us through each day.

This year we're drawing our way through Advent with this homemade Advent Drawing Journal.

Each page has a line for the scripture for the day, a box for drawing, and a few lines for jotting down any reflections we'll talk about together.

There are a few different lists of scriptures you could use for this project. I opted for my Anglican family prayer book's list:

Week 1 of Advent
Mark 13:33-37
Isaiah 2:1-5
Luke 10:21-24
Isaiah 25:6-9
Matthew 7:24-29
Psalm 27:1-6
Psalm 147:1-12

Week 2 of Advent
Isaiah 11:6-9
Isaiah 35:5-10
Matthew 18:12-14
Matthew 11:28-30
Matthew 11:7-10
Psalm 1
Psalm 80:1-3

Week 3 of Advent
Philippians 4:4-7
Psalm 25:1-8
Matthew 21:28-31a
Isaiah 45:5-8
Psalm 30
Isaiah 56:1
Luke 1:46-55

You could also use the traditional Catholic list of verses. If you want a more nativity focused story, you can use the list from John Piper's "Desiring God" website. I've left the top line of the journal page blank so you can insert the scripture readings of your preference.

Each day I'll read out the scripture reading for that day from a kid friendly version of the Bible, like the New Living Translation (you can use any translation you like). Then, we'll talk about what was read, what it might mean, what it has to do with Christmas, our thoughts and feelings, etc. After that, the boys will get a chance to draw and color anything they like having to do with the reading and our discussion. Finally, they'll write a couple of sentences about what they want to remember about that day's selection.

You can staple the book together or use a hole punch and weave in a pretty ribbon. Also, you may want to print the cover on cardstock. Here are my templates for printing:

Happy preparations y'all!

Lessons in Kindness

We're working on kindness in our household. It's a long haul kinda process. I've got a lot of hopes for my kids in this arena. I really want them to know the difference between being nice/polite/respectful and being kind, which carries with it a connotation of love. I want them to understand that kindness involves loving others, feeling empathy, being compassionate, sharing out of the goodness of their hearts versus sharing because they're supposed to. They can be nice with their minds and their wills (like following a rule), but kindness comes from their hearts. It's something that you are, more than something that you do. We're trying to model and explain that difference and how we should always be nice (a rule) while aspiring to, and working towards, being kind (formation of true internal character). Boy, am I lacking in this department. Talk about teaching out of a deficit.

We totally want to raise little gentlemen that say, "please" and "thank you," share their toys with others, and include new kids in their play. But we are also trying to teach and model what these things look like when they come from the heart, i.e., kindness - actually caring, forgiving someone even when they don't deserve it, self sacrifice, not judging others because they're different. You can't do those things with niceness. Niceness is just surface control, but kindness comes from, and exercises, love.

So, how do you teach your kid how to love other people? It's quite the challenge. I'll let ya know if I ever get it all figured out. Until they reach a certain age, kids aren't even capable of understanding that other people have thoughts and feelings of their own. Not until they reach that milestone will they be able to consider another person and their well-being.

Our current focus is to flood our kids with love in the context of structure, boundaries, and discipline. We think they'll have a better chance of learning how to give that kind of love to others and will, probably (hopefully), naturally want to give it. An overflowing cup, if you will.

Pointing our kids to Jesus is another way we're trying to teach our little ones to be kind. The way Jesus was with people when He was here on earth is a great example of kindness versus niceness - the things He did, the things He said, the way He treated people, His ultimate sacrifice. When you read the accounts of His life in the gospels you can almost see the kindness in His eyes. He wasn't always nice (remember the money changers?), but He was, most certainly, always kind. Of course, we're talking about Love, Himself, here.

Big job, right? You're telling me. Time will tell if we've gotten the point across to our little cherubs, and if we see the fruit of our labor - both in their hearts and in our own.

Along with teaching, talking, and modeling, we pray. We pray for their hearts and minds in a world that has seemingly given up on both kindness and niceness. Amidst the ugliness, I pray that my children can see people the way that God sees them - as creatures that He perfectly formed, deeply loves with the greatest of all loves, and intensely desires to be close to and to call his very own sons and daughters. I want to see people that way too.

Interpreting Easter for Little Ears

As Easter Sunday approaches the boys and I have set aside our regular Bible class. Instead, I haven been reading out the Bible stories leading up to and about the first Easter. I'm also having them draw a journal page each day about what we are reading and discussing together.

Here are some of their interpretations of the stories so far.



One of the things I'm trying to focus on is the celebration of new life that Jesus' resurrection represents. The life that we thought was lost when Jesus died on the cross is found again when He comes back to life. New life for Jesus means new life for us too. Putting that into terms my boys can wrap their brains around is challenging. 

My boys know that every time we ask for forgiveness our bad jobs are erased and we can start new again with a clean slate. That's their current understanding of new life. Unfortunately, that doesn't always apply to our relationships with people, but it always applies to our relationship with God. This is information my boys know and utilize all the time with God and with Matthew and I. My hope is that their hearts will grow to understand the power and beauty of this reality, how deep it goes, how wide it spreads, how true and everlasting it really is. Everlasting life!

First Communion

Communion comes around once a month at our little country church. We came from an Anglican church in Orange County where we took Communion every week, so Communion Sunday is a special time for us.

Different Christian traditions, churches, and families have different beliefs and ideas about Communion and kids. Matthew and I have decided to wait to let our kids partake until we think their hearts are ready with belief and their minds are ready with understanding. My husband said the other day that he would rather they miss a couple of Sundays of Communion while being ready than partake in it a couple of times without being ready. We don't believe it's wrong for them to partake before then, we just want our kids to believe in Jesus and to understand the meaning of Communion, forgiveness, and the sacrifice Jesus made for us by suffering and dying in our place. We're not trying to hold Communion hostage. We're hoping to foster a meaningful experience for them instead of a rote one. We also want to communicate the reverence they should have in coming to the Lord's table and the ownership they should have regarding their own faith decisions.

Communion is so fascinating to little ones. The little bits of bread and cute little cups full of juice. My kids' eyes glitter when they see these items coming down the aisle. It looks like a feast made just for them. And, in a sense, it is. They would often feel kind of bummed at not being able to partake. But it served as an opportunity for conversation, questions, and a better and deeper understanding each time.

This year my 7 year old took his first Communion. No big ceremony. Nothing formal or fancy. Just a little boy sitting in the back row with his family taking Communion for the first time with tears in his mama's eyes.

Mateo reading the Book of Common Prayer (much of which he doesn't understand)

Our 5 year old is still in process. He doesn't quite understand what Communion means yet. Sometimes he feels a little bummed that he doesn't get to have some of that little bread and cute little juice in that cup that's just the right size for his little fingers. But it's another opportunity for conversation and questions and deeper understanding.