Matters of the Heart: An Unnatural Leader

I'm so proud to bring you this post from my husband, Matthew. He is such an awesome husband, father, manager, and leader. I hope y'all enjoy his offering.

"... in my weaker moments I fall into the belief that I am a total fraud who will eventually be found out."

I'm a leader. I still feel a bit funny when I say that.

For some time now I've been on a journey toward leadership. Which is funny because I used to be the type of person that never wanted that kind of thing. The issue, for me, is that I am naturally wired to be deferential and reluctant about being a decision maker. I've even dragged my feet in making decisions that would only impact myself.

What's changed? Well, several years ago I got an inkling that God wanted to make a leader out of me. I saw that I'd been given a natural ability to see the big picture and that I have a good way with people. On top of that, I was raised to champion the underdog and heard a lot about power being abused and corrupting people. Therefore, I had deeply pondered the impact of a leader on those in their charge. A close friend once encouraged me that I might make a good leader because the best leaders are those that take their responsibility seriously and never make decisions lightly. For some reason that thought has always stuck with me and remains foundational to how I approach leadership.

Matters of the Heart: Waiting in the Pain

Why can’t I just fix things? Why won’t my loneliness go away? Sometimes my loneliness feels so massive that it threatens to envelop me.

I was in a vortex the week between Christmas and New Year’s, with contributing factors including family drama, singleness, cancelled plans, and crazy hormones. In retrospect, these are considerable issues, but I never realize how much they impact me until I am sobbing with my friend about how much my life sucks (purely a hypothetical situation, of course).

Here’s what you need to know about me. I am single and moving towards the back half of my thirties. While I would love to be married, I enjoy living as fully as I can within my circumstances. I’m fine to go to movies on my own and generally try to not let my lack of a spouse stop me. I am coming out of a time of confusion over work, church, and my vocation. This experience has led me to seek and pray about every part of my life. It has led to some fun changes too, such as pursuing improv comedy. However, some areas of my life feel very much in process. I’m still figuring it out. (Note: I will never figure it all out on this side of life).