Becoming an empty nester can be both an exciting and difficult life transition for many. I know for myself, I have moments of dreaming what it will be like when my kids are grown and out of the house and all my time and energy are my own. But, really, I can't even begin to imagine what an empty nest will look and feel like for me in the years to come. My friend and fellow blogger, Dottie Pickett, was willing to sit down with me (in the virtual setting of our blogging worlds, that is) and share some of her story and experience. Here's a bit of our conversation.
What was your experience of being a mom when the girls were in the house?
The minute you conceive you become a mom, which means I have been a mom for over 25 years.
I was in heaven being a mom from day one. My mom and I weren't close, so I'm told that I had an extra need to bond with my girls. As a Marriage and Family Therapist I only worked a couple of days a week, so I had lots and lots of time to nurture them, play with them, watch them participate in sports and musicals, and even get involved with their school projects, like being in charge of costumes for their school plays.
One of our favorite things was to do crafts together. For instance, one entire summer we made elaborate masquerade masks for Carly's 16th birthday! So fun!
What has the process of becoming an empty nester been like for you, what are some of the struggles you face, and what's been helpful to you during this transition?
When it began to hit me that my youngest was going off to college I went into a severe depression. I know that not everyone will have the same experience. I have learned that there is a major chemical component with me that others don’t have. With my depression there was a perfect storm: emotional enmeshment and empty nesting, biological/chemical issues and hormonal changes. Thankfully, I’m in a much better place now. Various things have been helpful in pulling me out of depression.
In order to lift yourself out of depression you have to address it from all angles. I began working out consistently, I got a lot of prayer and I prayed a lot, I started in-depth therapy, I got on antidepressants, I started volunteering at a fun organization, I made sure to plan quality time with my wonderful husband and good friends, and I started gardening and cooking more. Interestingly enough, starting my blog, Pickett’s Pearls, was the thing that has helped me the most. I have a strong need to be creative, and when the girls left I didn’t see how I was going to fulfill that part of me. My blog meets so many other needs, giving me something that is all my own and not connected with my girls.
Does your experience differ from your husband's? If so, how? If not, what is it like being empty nesters together?
It has been hard on my husband as well because he and the girls are very close, but not nearly as hard as it has been on me. He has been unbelievably loving through this whole excruciating time. I really don’t know what I would have done without him.
Being empty nesters has been good for our marriage. We are looking more to each other to have our needs met. For example, I have really gotten into watching football and basketball with him. Of course he loves that! We've also really been enjoying getting into cooking.
What are you most proud of in what you have done to raise your daughters?
Our daughters are both very kind and empathic people. They also have a desire to get closer to Christ.
What are you most proud of in what you are doing now?
Surprise, surprise! Pickett’s Pearls. Pickett’s Pearls is mostly four ingredient recipes and creative or helpful tips for the home. I don’t know where it will go, but I’m okay with that. I feel like I was made for this and I enjoy every part of it: the planning, the writing with humor and lightness, the photography (my photos are worlds away from where they were), the problem solving needed for things like how to make a delectable lemon rum cake with only four ingredients or how to keep your sponges from smelling icky. I also love to make beautiful things: wreaths, napkin folds, and jewelry. And I really love encouraging others to create beautiful things.
Tell me something about being an empty nester that you didn't expect or that someone who hasn't gone through this process might not know.
Very few parents have the extreme struggle that I have had, but almost every empty nester has a hard time. My advice would be to find “life giving” endeavors way before it’s time for your children to leave the nest. Whether it’s finding a job you really like or taking up painting or going back to school - something that you can immerse yourself in, something involving others, and something fulfilling.
Children bring so much life and energy into the home. They not only physically have more energy, thereby adding energy to any environment, but they also have their whole lives in front of them which usually comes with lots of plans, hopes, and dreams. Also, because they don’t have as many responsibilities as adults do they are almost always more playful and light. As empty nesters we need to create our own energy by planning fun activities with our spouse and/or friends, making sure we are always learning something new, and being involved in things we are excited about.
Very few parents have the extreme struggle that I have had, but almost every empty nester has a hard time. My advice would be to find “life giving” endeavors way before it’s time for your children to leave the nest. Whether it’s finding a job you really like or taking up painting or going back to school - something that you can immerse yourself in, something involving others, and something fulfilling.
Children bring so much life and energy into the home. They not only physically have more energy, thereby adding energy to any environment, but they also have their whole lives in front of them which usually comes with lots of plans, hopes, and dreams. Also, because they don’t have as many responsibilities as adults do they are almost always more playful and light. As empty nesters we need to create our own energy by planning fun activities with our spouse and/or friends, making sure we are always learning something new, and being involved in things we are excited about.
Dottie is a married momma of two beautiful women (Carly, 24, fine artist, and Abbey, 21, Film major at USC). She's also a licensed Marriage and Family therapist and a fellow blogger over at www.pickettspearls.net.
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